the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
