Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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