What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
