mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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