I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
