Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
