And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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