I accidentally had phone sex last night
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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