We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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