im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
