O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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