you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
