The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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