I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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