My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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