Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
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Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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