It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
