Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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