Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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