I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
