rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
