Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
