dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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