you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
