How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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