my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
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Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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