He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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