I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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