You're completely useless in the revolution.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Randomize
