I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
