Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Barsexuality is the new black.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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