Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
