fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
