Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
