I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
