My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
