Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
