Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
