Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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