first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
