I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
