I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
