So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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