Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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