this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I party with great urgency now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
