he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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