Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
