I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
