I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
