the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Every concussion has its silver lining
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
