If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
