Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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