i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
