Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
