Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
