ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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