Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
