failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
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if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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