also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize